STEPS TO AVOID THE JANUARY BLAHS!

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

The meaning of things lies
not in the things themselves...
but in our attitutude towards them.

--Antoine De Saint-Expuery

While there are many out there who remember the spiritual significance of Christmas and approach it with moderation, balance and modesty there are some who are drawn in to media hype and marketing ploys designed to create a ‘seasonal high.’ Over extensions of time, energy and money combined with lack of sleep, disruption of normal routines, and too much food in strange combinations frequently lead to an emotional hangover at the beginning of each New Year. To avoid the ‘January Blahs’ in 2007 here a few suggestions:

1. Maintain balance and moderation in all things. Nothing throws the system off like sleep deprivation or over-loading the body with too much food. After a big turkey dinner most can attest to the ‘sleepy’ feelings that come from protein overload and the calming effects of the amino acid tryptophan present in turkey. Being mindful of alcohol and food consumption can also prevent the overloaded feeling that builds up throughout the season and leads to emotional lows after all the celebrating is done.

2. Make time for fitness and fresh air and sunshine. Many people have a difficult time fitting daily exercise in under normal conditions. During hectic times like Christmas exercise is the last thing that comes to mind. My message is a different one. January is coming and the longer you stay away from your various routines, the harder it will be to get back to where you were. Why not start a new tradition with family and friends that includes some physical movement? It is a guaranteed way to avoid feeling stressed.

3. If you want to reduce the chances of a January low, try not to get hooked on ‘artificial highs.’ Christmas is celebrated by more than 3.5 billion people around the world and can be a great event if approached with realistic expectations, forethought and an ability to plan ahead. Meaningful gifts do not have to over-extend the budget and even though it sounds trite … it is the thought and effort that goes into gifts that is the important thing. Something baked or crafted with love and affection and exchanged with nice card and/or heartfelt expressions of affection often mean far more to the recipient than an extravagant gift based on material value alone. These types of gifts usually do not break the budget or lead to financial regret when credit card bills start to roll in after the artificial high and media hype of the holidays are over.

4. Be prepared for the re-surfacing of buried emotions. Family events often trigger buried emotions and can add to emotional lows. The challenge for each of us is to be courageous and committed to reaching a point where we are able to accept people for who they are … whether we agree with them or not. If a family member’s behavior is particularly upsetting, set boundaries. In the event they are not respected or the situation does not warrant open confrontation do your best to separate yourself or ignore them. Ignoring poor behavior is an effective way of disempowering it.

Participate. Make it your goal to experience the magic of giving because it truly is more blessed to give than receive. Giving can take many forms other than just the material. Stop and think about the actual meaning of Christmas and check to see whether your thoughts and actions are in line with that. The giving could include visiting and offering support to a less fortunate family, volunteering at a food bank or soup kitchen, canvassing for a favorite charity or cause or visiting a retirement home or hospital. Any of these ‘gifts’ could really make someone else’s day.

Give yourself the gift of ‘self-health.’ The gift of self-health begins with your own actions. Make a plan to eat less, (especially junk food, sugar, coffee and alcohol.) Keep water intake high (two to three liters per day) get adequate amounts of sleep, fresh air, sunshine and exercise. Then to top it off rent some funny movies and laugh, laugh … then laugh some more. Laughter releases endorphins that create a natural high and exercises the tummy muscles in ways that have been referred to as an ‘internal jog.’ If relationships need mending, forgiveness is a good place to start. Couple all that with an ‘attitude of gratitude’ for all that you have. What greater gift can you receive than to function at a high level and to flourish physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? There is no monetary amount that will ever replace good health and a sense of well-being.

Implementing all or part of the above suggestions will help maintain balance and prevent emotions from getting too high…or low. However, when all is said and done the best way to create an emotional high that will keep on as long as we practice it is to focus more on what we can do for others and less on what is not working in our own lives. The benefits will be yours to enjoy.

HEALTHY GIFT GIVING ANY TIME OF THE YEAR

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

The only gift is a portion of thyself.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Although Christmas is a magnificent time of year it can also create stress, mixed emotions and an over-extension of time, energy and money. How common are these scenarios? The holidays are fast approaching and there is a push to send out cards, buy and wrap gifts and meet a myriad of social commitments. Then there is always the problem of finding an appropriate gift for those who are hard to buy for. For many by the time the big day arrives some have already lost the “Christmas spirit.” Maybe it is time to consider giving gifts that promote healthy living for both the giver and the recipient. Listed below are a list of items and ideas that you can give to friends, family or yourself.

1. Gift certificate for massage, reflexology, pedicure, manicure or any other ‘self-health’ service
you can think of.
2. Subscription to a healthy living magazine
3. Basket of herbal teas
4. Gift certificate or container of goodies from your local health food store
5. Scented candles
6. Aromatherapy oils
7. Houseplants
8. Self-health books, CD’s or videos
9. Tickets to a play, opera or comedy show
10. Hand-held massager or vibrating back support
11. Relaxation music with positive affirmations or guided imagery
12.Exercise equipment or membership to a exercise facility
13. 14. Air or water purification systems
14. 15. Pre-paid housecleaning or baby sitting services
15. A card or letter letting a special someone know how their relationship enriches your life
16. Juicer
17. Specially prepared scrapbook of favorite memories and acknowledgments

My mom always told me that the true significance of any gift was not in the monetary value but rather in ‘how much love it cost.” Whenever we give gifts that promote ‘self-health’ it lets people know we care about their health, well-being and quality of life. And there is another bonus to them … the benefits of these gifts will continue long after the holiday season is over.

A TRUE GIFT..HOW MUCH LOVE DOES IT COST?

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.

--Pierre Cornelle

As year 2007 winds down and early signs of Christmas begin to show up in retail outlets I am beginning to feel ambivalence about the holidays this year. Christmas was always a momentous event in our family. Mom was born on Christmas Day, her brother on Christmas Eve—and I came in on New Year’s Eve. So needless to say celebrating the holidays with gusto was something mom started early in life. But this year a significant part of what made it special will be missing because mom passed away in April. With no kids of our own my husband David and I have been discussing ways to make this Christmas memorable as we hold on to mom’s legacy without her being a part of it all.

The one thing that will remain is the appreciation I feel for what she instilled in me about what gives meaning to life. Her way of counting blessings was referred to as attitude of gratitude. It is something that seems less prevalent than in the past. In conversations with others I am not the only one who is noticing that meaningful exchanges between people are less prevalent than they once were. This is especially so around the holiday season. The third week in December is considered a time of spiritual significance in many faiths whether Christian, Jewish or even those who commemorate the winter Equinox. As one year ends and other begins many across the planet come together to reflect about the past year and what possibilities lay ahead in the coming year. Within the rituals there is the joy of fellowship with friends, family and other loved ones…and it is all expressed within an attitude of gratitude. Right? Think again.

Mom always reminded me that the true value within any gift was determined by how much love and thought went into it—not the material cost. When I listen to how many shop with a different value system it doesn’t appear that gifts are given or received with that approach. No—these days it appears to be more about a numbers game. How much ‘cha-ching and bling” seems to be where the value is these days. With so much emphasis on the material rather than the spiritual those on the receiving end often take the massive spending for granted and through time gifts mean less. Watching customer services lines after Christmas is a big clue for me that many people are not buying gifts with the recipient in mind—or why would so many people return them? Perhaps there would be greater appreciation for the good in life if we slowed down and re-prioritized what really matters. It took me a long time for me to figure that one out—but as I am feeling less rushed things have a deeper significance than ever before.

Then there is the whole question of exchanging cards. Various postal outlets report that each year less come through the mail each year. That saddens me. What does it say about the pace of life if it is too hectic to set a few hours and pen a few words on a card? Sure stamps are getting more expensive—but how many cups of coffee would anyone have to give up covering the cost? Is it too much to let someone know that their presence in life is appreciated? Granted, some do make time to send out a mass e-mail or newsletter and that is one option. Better that then not doing anything at all. But is it just me—or are there others out there who think that nothing beats going to pick up mail on a frosty morning and discovering that someone you haven’t heard from in awhile is thinking about you and yours?

I enjoy scrap-booking and every card received is lovingly placed in my books. When I look back and re-read a card from a kindred spirit (for any occasion) the messages conveyed are warm fuzzies that keeps on giving. I feel the same way about hand-written notes. When someone is going through rough times a ‘thinking of you card’ goes a long way to brightening their day. Same thing goes for notes of appreciation sent for someone’s hospitality, or gifts received. Of course there are the other transitions we all go through, birthdays, deaths, weddings, anniversaries and anything else that is a right of passage.

In my opinion nothing is more meaningful than a handwritten note expressing an attitude of gratitude. I do hope this delightful way of letting others know that that who they are and what they do is appreciated. It is a simple thing, but in the increasing pace of society it is all too easy to take the good things for granted. Yet pausing for a moment and expressing appreciation adds much to the quality of life for both the giver and receiver. I am already beginning to prepare our holiday newsletter and doing Xmas shopping with all the thoughtful consideration I learned from Mom. Getting things done ahead of time gives me time to reflect on how much good there is in life amidst the global chaos and conflict. Within all of it there is still much to be grateful for if we only open our eyes to see it—and of course say it!

Works for me!

VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

We learn simply by the exposure of living.

Much that passes for education

is not education but ritual.

The fact is that we are being educated…

when we know it least.

--David P. Gardner

When my mother, Edwina Kathleen Cunningham passed away on April 20^th, 2005 my husband David and I decided to follow her wish to have her memorial as a celebration of her life…rather than mourning her death. And that we did. David prepared a wonderful visual presentation of her life with music that portrayed the woman she was. I decided to write a summation of the many valuable life lessons she gave me and give them out to everyone in attendance at her memorial on May 3^rd.

The intent of this Blog is to share my philosophy for healthy, balanced living with others. It seems an appropriate place to offer how my mother’s influence contributed to the woman I am today. Although her given name was Edwina…she preferred to be called Winnie. So here is is…Winnie’s Wisdom and the many invaluable life lessons I learned from having her as my role model. Thanks Mom…this one is for you with love and appreciation from your only daughter. I hope anyone who reads this will take what fits and maybe pass it on to others.

WINNIE’S WISDOM:

…Develop and maintain an attitude of gratitude. Be sure to express appreciation for whatever blessings you are given moment by moment and day by day.

…It is not the size of your bank account that matters…but the size of your heart and ability to give.

…God is always there to help us through, keep your faith, pray and ask for guidance and it will come…it always does.

...When you pray for an answer and it is no…remember that is still an answer.

.. .No matter how bad things are…they always get better because there is a beginning, middle and end to everything in life.

…Live by the Golden Rule and ALWAYS treat others the way you like to be treated. Have understanding, acceptance and respect for differences, even when you disagree. When people let you down try to understand why they do what they do. If that isn’t possible then forgive them anyway. Let things go and move on—life is too short to hang on to ‘stuff.’

…Always remember that people’s opinions are just that—you don’t have to buy into it if it seems stupid. Who made them the authority anyway?

…Trust your Inner Knowing…it is a far better yardstick than other people’s opinion and their rejection of you and your ideas.

…Don’t borrow trouble---worrying and fearing things can draw them to you. Half of what we worry about never happens so don’t waste time and energy on things until they actually happen.

…Watch what you ask you--you could get it!

…God never promised us a rose garden--but stop and smell them anyway.

…Make wishes upon stars, keep dreaming your dreams and make your passions happen.

…When people give you a compliment—don’t counter it and accept it graciously.

…Pay attention to the little things that make life sweet. Remember to feel wind cooling your face on a hot summer day; enjoy the scent of lilacs in the spring, hoar frost in the winter and the way everything smells after a rainfall. Think of those who are disabled in some way and cannot taste, feel touch, smell, see and hear. Little things can be big blessings!

…Ask yourself on a regular basis…if you were to die today how would people remember you?

…Don’t buy into stereotypes. How people look on the outside doesn’t matter. Everyone bleeds the same color and our differences fade when we look for common ground.

…Keep the kid in you nourished...that is where innocence, joy, enchantment and the unlimited possibilities of magical thinking originate. When you lose touch with that side of yourself life can get old and stale really fast.

…Believe in yourself or no one else will.

…Listen to your inner own knowing and trust it.

…It’s okay to be funky, dress the way you want and express who you are at any point in life.

…Age is only a number. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

…Respect and love everything within in nature. Creatures large and small are God’s gift to us to let us know we are not alone. Look for treasures and bring them home as a reminder of your connection to the natural world. Celebrate each rite of passage with something special.

… You are only young once but can be a kid forever…if you allow yourself. You’re never too old to enjoy teddy bears, stuffed toys, dolls cars, trains or whatever else makes you happy.

…Animals and other creatures have feelings. Pay attention and treat them gently and cause no harm to any living thing. They have a right to be here and fulfill a part of God’s plan for creation.

…Dog’s ability to love us unconditionally is the way God loves us—maybe that is why dog is God spelled backwards.

…Kneel down to eye level when talking to children it creates a feeling of equality.

…When guests come to visit always remember that love is in the details. Create a lovely setting, bring out the best linens, special soaps and create ambiance. Then while you’re cooking stir a whole bunch of love into the mix. When it is time to eat say a prayer of grace and let them know how fortunate you feel to have them in your life. Without loving families and friends life can be hard to bear.

…To have a friend you need to be one. Reach out, stay in touch and be there through the good and hard times.

…When you talk to people look always look into their eyes, pay attention and really listen. Don’t interrupt. When you do offer a sincere apology and strive to become a more attentive listener.

…It is easy to take things for granted. Be sure to express gratitude, say that you let others know what you value about who they are and what they do.

…It is not the size or cost of a gift that counts…only how much love, care and thought went into it.

…Remember to feed the sparrows in the winter. God leaves them behind to remind us that during the longest, coldest, darkest days of winter that spring will come again.

…Don’t go away mad and hold anger in…make peace before the sun goes down or you may not get a chance.

…Each day is a clean slate--what are you going to write on it?

…Negative mind chatter prevents your ability to hear your own knowing…so go to that quiet place within. Ask, be willing to receive and trust what you are given.

…When you begin working save something from every paycheck…and pay yourself first. When you look after the pennies the dollars will eventually look after themselves. Saving for a ‘sunny day’ fun gives a sense of security rather than spending everything you make.

…Think ahead…there are consequences for everything you say and do.

…I don’t mind getting older when I think of the other alternative.

…Winkles…I don’t care about them because they show that I’ve lived, loved, cried, smiled and laughed.

…When you value something in who others are...or what they do…don’t be shy. Make a point of telling them. Life is made up of experiences and events that create who we are and what we become. Do your best to make the ripples positive because we may never pass this way again.

…When things feel overwhelming with no way out hold on to the fact that God is always there. Ask and you shall receive the answers you seek and trust that the light will shine through the shadows…because it always does. I know that as surely as day follows night and the sun comes out after it rains.

MAKING SMART, INFORMED CHOICES IN HEALTHY LIVING

By Coralie Raia Darsey-Malloy

Everyone wants independent choice…
whatever that may cost…
and wherever it may lead.

--Fyodor Dostroyevsky

When I began my quest for health and wholeness in the mid-eighties much of what has gained mainstream acceptance was considered ‘fringe new age thinking” and viewed with suspicion or flatly rejected. When David and I met in 1990 I made his head spin with my concern about the free radicals and high glycimic factor in his diet. I rambled on about that and the importance of low fat, moderate carbohydrate diet and using food combining as a way to lose weight. He and others patted me on the head and admitted that it all sounded a little too weird for them at the time. Now these ideas have been accepted and utilized by many because they are endorsed by researchers. The growing emphasis on healthy living has created less polarity within formal medicine and complimentary healing systems.

This trend has already started towards more sensitive patient care with a multitude of options that were not available even twenty years ago. The emerging changes in preventative health and wellness techniques can and does compliment today’s precision diagnostic services. Inevitably, professional patronizing, and obscure terminology will give way to cooperative educational approaches, and client-orientated therapies. Future medicine like future world politics, will increasingly acknowledge choice making and empowerment of the individual.

Even before these changes are fully implemented, there is much we can all do to optimize our health. Eating less and eating well are basic premises of preventative self- care. Avoiding the known health hazards of smoking, alcohol, fat, sugar, caffeine, salt and processed foods are another commonsense approach. Breakthroughs in health care reveal that many of the diseases and ailments being treated by symptom relief alone can be readily overcome with social and lifestyle changes.

A long, healthy life is a reasonable expectation under most conditions, and self-reliant health care involves one’s authority over their right to choose what they determine is best for them. As the paradigm of whole-person healing continues to evolve, the knowledge it brings not only liberates it unites people as well. Today personal fitness and healing practices once considered outlandish are gaining mainstream credibility—because they work. Large corporations are underwriting relaxation and stress management courses to reduce employee absenteeism. Insurance companies offer financial incentives to non-smokers and aerobic dancers. Healing in the 21st century will witness the final convergence of science and psychology, body and soul.

As science, medicine, the biology of emotion and thought, humor, health and healing attitudes are promoted as a plausible option to symptom relief, drug therapy, invasive procedures there will be more inclination to become well informed before choosing any course of treatment. New attitudes and modalities provide much hope in the form of simple, yet powerful whole-person self-care systems. They are often equally or more effective than prescriptions and are cost effective, encourage self-responsibility, do no harm, educational, fun and provide positive outcomes! So the good news is…there truly are many ways to achieve health, wholeness and abundant living for those willing to explore options and think outside the box.

TWO PATHWAYS TO HEALTH AND HEALING

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

When you buy a pill
and buy peace with it…
you get conditioned to
cheap solutions…
instead of deep ones.

--Max Lerner

It is becoming increasingly evident that our health care system needs healing. In the past, modern health care has been largely devoted to pathology management of sickness caused by our own “civilized living.” This contemporary model has been built upon a contagion theory of disease. Within this paradigm a supposed return to health is pursued through a ‘fight against harmful outside influences’ and the totality of the individual is left out. Emphasis is placed on diagnosing diseases by addressing patient’s symptoms. Within this diagnostic approach the “owner” of the body and their part in the disease process is often excluded. Looking at illness from this perspective personal power and self-responsibility is often given over to the health practitioner rather than remaining with the individual.

During my many years as a journalist, free lance writer, public speaker, life coach and group leader I have observed many advancements within the preventative health movement and how it is more generally accepted in mainstream thinking. There are increasing numbers who are seeking a more holistic approach to their health problems than settling for symptom relief. The emerging consciousness in health and healing has a different framework for managing illness and disease. Allopathic medicine is based on a physical examination and sees disease as the enemy. This method creates an air of hopelessness and helplessness and asks the salient question “Why me?” As an alternative health problems are viewed as something self-created by a lack of understanding about natural principles. It asks, “Why now, and what needs changing?” This approach is corrective, optimistic and empowering rather than antagonistic, overwhelming and fear-based.

True healing requires a multi-dimensional approach. Within new frontiers in health and healing there is a convergence of body-mind-emotion-spirit and energy. This direction is epitomized by some new hybrid sciences with pioneers Candace Pert at the National Institute of Mental Health in Bethesda, Maryland. She spearheads research in the biology of emotions. Her approach is called psycho-neuroimmuology or PNI. Her specialty involves the study of biological interaction and blood chemistry and how the mind, emotion and beliefs influence physical health.

Others in this field include the Symington’s, and Dr. Bernie Siegel. They worked with cancer patients and discovered that neuro-peptides within the body are carriers of information. The concept within the biochemistry of emotions developed through studies that revealed how positive images and affirmations raised the immune system’s white blood cell count. Studies with patients who were unwilling to accept cancer as a verdict coupled with strong determination to overcome their diagnosis had a higher survival rate that those who gave in to resignation. Pioneering doctors within the whole person healing movement have come to accept that seeming ‘miracles’ are often a direct result of the patient’s shift in consciousness. Physicians and psychological specialists report that in their experience catastrophic disease often serves as a call that patients need to examine other aspects of their life and how they had lived it prior to their illness. Those who are willing to consider the benefits of whole person healing methods provide new support for the body’s defense mechanisms. Every doctor admits that they do not heal the body…the body heals itself. The best any practitioner can hope to do is create the proper environment for that to occur.

In North American society mainstream medical practices of symptom relief and management has been at the forefront. However, it is still a relatively new modalities compared to healing systems of old. Chinese medical practices have a far greater record of success than the modern approach of treating symptoms rather than addressing the root cause of disease. In ancient China physicians were paid to keep people well. When patients became ill…all reimbursements stopped until full health was restored. To this day Chinese doctors work with patients to restore balance and energy to the body so it can heal itself. Their approach was and still is very holistic. They teach patients the ‘art of living’ by encouraging balanced, accountable living, moderation in all things, sound nutrition, proper breathing, positive thinking and supplements only as needed. They use acupuncture as a means of creating proper energy flows within the innate life force or ‘chi’ within the body.

This is a radically different approach than the ones taken in modern medicine. This term is based upon the principle of counter-action: using medicines to impede or reverse unwanted symptoms. The preventative and holistic approach to health and healing is like an umbrella that includes a variety of methods. Instead of masking symptoms and ignoring root causes it looks for deeper and inter-related connections. With the modern approach to intervention it is similar to seeing a red light on the dash board of a car. The mechanic chooses to sever the connecting wire and the light goes off and the driver carries on in blind faith that ‘symptom relief’ has fixed the problem. However, we all know what kinds of crisis that occur down the road. Using medication to mask the symptom may work for awhile…but eventually the problem will come back…because it never really went away. Within this approach there is no need for thoughtful, accountable choice making because temporary discomforts have been assuaged.

The significant difference within whole person healing is that there is a call to living a more aware, accountable life and considering the consequences of choice every step of the way. Whole person healing emphasizes restoration of balance in every area of life and a willingness to give up, alter or exchange detrimental life patterns for those that will lead to health within body, mind, spirit, emotional and energy fields. Awareness, accountability, choice and consequence are the main co-factors within new frontiers in health and healing. It is up to each of us to decide what path will lead us where we want to be. Listed below are some of the key themes within each system:


ALLOPATHIC MEDICINE:

ADVERSARIAL: Disease process is treated by symptom relief within terms that reflect adversarial nature: “military rhetoric used to describe problem: “germ warfare, attack, fight disease, battle against, build defenses, etc."

DISEMPOERMENT: Treatment is based on the professional’s mind-set. Outside authorities “manage” disease. Patients are expected to follow dictates without question. “Them” versus “us” approach. Alternative or holistic approaches usually discouraged and/or rejected.

EXTERNAL CAUSALITY: Disease-orientated approach. Focus is outside the patient, Viruses, bacteria, poisons, cellular degeneration, things ‘growing’ separation of mind- body-emotions-spirit.

INTERVENTION AND SUBSTITUTION: Drug therapy, injections, treatments are geared for interrupting, altering immediate reduction of symptoms. “Cures” are approached through labeling, controlling, reducing or destroying symptoms creating the disease rather than considering contributing factors that created it.

ATAVISTIC: Considerations to lifestyle, attitude stressors, family dynamics, body, mind, emotional states are usually excluded from the cause and effect of disease and health problems and illness of any kind.

DISASSOCIATION FROM NATURAL WORLD: Disease is viewed as an assault from outward influences with little consideration given to other contributing co-factors.

PREVENTATIVE AND WHOLE PERSON (HOLISTIC) APPROACH

PROACTIVE, PLURALISTIC: Emphasis is placed upon awareness, understanding, acceptance, self-reliance, prevention, education, informed choice-making, fitness, and responsibility

BEHAVIORAL, INNER DIRECTED: Illness and disease are seen as a process and inseparable from the patient. Awareness develops about the co-factors of diet, livelihood, relationships, stress, attitude, habits, beliefs and their effect of health, well-being and quality of life.

EDUCATIONAL AND EGALITARIAN, Focus is placed on long-term results and removal of root causes. Patient and professionals work together and emphasize awareness, accountability and action. Their aim is for long-term results through whole person healing and spirit-mind-body unity.

TRANSPERSONAL: Embracing loving relationships seek unity and support from others…spiritual awareness and search for universal dimensions in life. Openness to the healing power of love, prayer, pets, ceremony and life-affirming belief systems.

CORRECTIVE, CO-OPERATIVE, MULTI-OPTIONED: Seeks diversity of healing modalities from doctors, patients, therapists, families, support groups as therapeutic team members that work together. Thoughts, language suggests choice, empowerment, self-responsibility, unity and positive outcomes.

ENVIRONMENTAL: Understanding and acceptance of the need for dependence on clean, unpolluted air, water, food, and a connection to the natural world. The fundamental premise within an environmental framework is that the body knows how to heal given the opportunity and support needed in every area of life that will allow it to do so.

APOLOGIES THAT AREN"T

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

WHY you do something
is more important
than HOW you do.

--Dr. Robert Anthony

Anyone with an once of awareness can see how many people resort to a offering apologies that have about as much weight as a feather, They are so superficial I cannot help but say, “Why bother?” These disingenuous apologies are not that hard to spot…but just in case you haven’t been exposed to them I’ll offer a couple of examples. In my view…it is all in the phrasing. “I am sorry YOU are upset.” Now admittedly this lovely little phrase does have a slightly apologetic flavor to it…but if you pause for a moment there is a double level message within it. What I hear is more self-serving. It goes like this. “Hmmmm if you are annoyed you might give me a hard time. If that occurs my needs won't met. So yes, I am really sorry you are upset…but not so much so that I am willing to take responsibility for me actions and admit that to you.”

If one listens closely this type of self-serving communication it is reaching epidemic proportions. Perhaps the prevalence of it in everyone from politicians, felons and everyday interaction is leaving people immune to it. I assume they are desensitized because no one seems to call anyone on it…especially in the media. There is no real effort made to hold people accountable…and that has been especially so within American politics and all their spin doctors who always dodge questions that would force them to answer the hard questions.

I was watching a television court show and there was a rapist who looked into the eyes of the victim and said in a monotone voice; “I am sorry for any pain the incident caused you and your family.” The family sat blankly staring as the perpetrator recited hollow words…and it was clear that his response only amplified their suffering. His insincere apology seemed to be a way of saying that he was sorry he got caught—not for the lasting impact of his choices upon the family. Speaking in a detached way about ‘the incident’ is a big red flag for me. A more authentic response would have revealed some understanding and regret about the ripple effect of their choices and how it altered the quality of someone else’s life.

Tainted apologies never include that. Most people are willing to pause for a moment if a sincere apology is offered. Within this exchange there is more openness to hearing the other person’s position. Compare an apology like this to the previous example. “I acted irresponsibly or my words were insensitive and I am truly sorry.” Or; “I will have to live with the pain and my actions have brought to you and your loved ones for the rest of my life. I deeply regret what I did and will have to live with that for the rest of my life. These types of apologies have a very different feel to it than apologies that ‘aren’t. ‘

There is another tract shameless apologizers take. They divert attention away from their actions and towards the other person’s responses. If they are really good manipulators they may even use the “I” word that doesn’t sound as accusatory as “you. The scenario plays out in this way; "I see that you are angry and perhaps we should talk about why YOU are having such an intense reaction. What a pile of malarkey! Especially if they present themselves as calm, cool and collected in the process. This veiled, verbal baloney attempts to avoid any remorse and indirectly suggests that any justifiable anger is the other person’s problem. Their condescending manner suggests that the injured party has no right to feel frustrated, hurt or annoyed. When that doesn’t achieve the desired effect they may pull out the guilt card and say,“YOU are making ME feel guilty!" At this point the injured party’s emotions often go through the roof. That type of self-centered behavior adds to the original wound and puts people on the defensive. Do shameless apologizers care? Not usually—because they are rooted in a need to indulge themselves in narcissist, self-absorbed behaviors rather than ‘getting real,’ growing up and owning their part within any conflicted situation.

Now let me clarify one thing here I am all for emotions of guilt, shame and remorse. They are a needed aspect of making sure we live consciously and are essential to maintaining a civilized society. An appropriate amount of remorse is always needed to set things right. That holds true for both sides within conflicted situations. What I am suggesting is that we hone our ‘c#@p’ detecting skills and hold immature cowards up to greater scrutiny. Is that really to much for us to expect? From my perspective those who genuinely want to ask for forgiveness need to be willing to request it within a spirit of authenticity. It might go something like this; “I feel very ashamed and remorseful about what I did…so much so that it is hard for me to ask for your forgiveness.” Another version of the sincere apology could be stated this way. “I can see things from your position. From where I am now it is clear that I may never be able to make up for my past mistakes—but I am going to do my best to learn from it and never do it again.”

Believe me I know how hard these heartfelt apologies are not easy to deliver. From both our professional and personal experiences David and I have had to get over ourselves on more than a few occasions. In our work in conflict resolution and mediation we have witnessed more than a few painful blow-ups because neither side was willing to truly accept responsibility for their part in any upset, During the many years we have been working in the communication field we have learned the importance of letting others know that there is recognition and acceptance of our errors in judgment…and a commitment to changing. Similarly we have a right to expect nothing less from others when we are on the receiving end. Anything less from both sides will only cause more hurt, regret and possibly inflame things even more. So the difference within the apologies that ARE versus the ones that AREN’T involve a mix of emotional maturity, self-responsibility and enough backbone to own up to our errors in judgment. It is only with this level of integrity that we can ever hope to use our transgressions as stepping stone to becoming people who live more conscious, honorable lives.

FOR EVERY ACTION...

THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

We can act as if there were a God:
Feel as if we were free;
Consider Nature as if she
Were full of special designs;
Lay plans as if we were to be immortal;
We may find that these words
Actually make a genuine difference
In our moral life.

--William James

My mother raised me to live by the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I loved those words growing up and I appreciate their significance even more today. While attending the annual general meeting at a local shelter for battered women one of presenters made a comment that created a ‘light-bulb’ moment for me when he said; “With enough love we could resolve all of our human rights issues.” I have been using the ‘pay it forward’ principle and passing that idea on whenever I can. When you pause and allow the truth of it sink in…it opens the mind to a world of possibilities.

So even though the Golden Rule was something Mom and I tried to live by there were times I wasn’t kind, thoughtful or generous. Being raised by an abusive alcoholic father and an enabling mother we were one of those ‘poster child families for dysfunction.’ Patterns within my family of origin led to a variety of health and personal problems for me and there were times I said and did things that went against my better self. There was a tendency to be critical and speak in ways there were insensitive, unthinking…and at times unkind. There was a period in life where I was perpetually late and unreliable because of the chaos within my own life. I had enough awareness to know I was letting people down…but felt ill-equipped to do anything about it.

When I did things that went against the ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ I often trying to justify it away rather than taking a self-responsible approach. What I did not understand back then was that all our actions, both favorable and unfavorable eventually come back to us; and usually not from those we have acted toward. Over the years I have studied everything from physics, metaphysics, theology and the world’s great religions, Buddhism, Eastern religions, Aboriginal Spirituality, the Kabala, Islam, Mysticism, Wicca and Paganism. Through every teaching there is one common thread within them all. In physics there is the third law of motion…that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Within new age thinking people refer to it as Karma.

Once I grasped the larger implications of this ‘law’ I realized the importance of doing a course correction and begin making more responsible choices. Whether people choose to accept it or not every thought, choice and action revolves around us…similar to the earth revolving around the sun. Many are rediscovering this timeless, ageless with the release of ‘The Secret and the Law of Attraction. David and I have applied the principle with some astounding results in different areas of life. Now whenever something is not working we know it is time to stop and examine what we are thinking, doing and saying. Once people begin to assess their attitudes, beliefs and choices they quickly discover that they begin to lead their own lives rather than having life lead them.

Today I have a larger commitment than ever to walk my talk and strive to keep my inner and outer worlds in balance. Living an authentic, accountable life is immensely freeing. As I was able to move through the challenges of my past, transform them and integrate the valuable lessons it became easier to give back to others in unconditional ways. During my healing journey an amazing thing occurred…I learned that happiness is not something you get from other people…it comes in direct proportion to the amount of love you give to others. The; “What goes around, comes around principle continually confirms that the more love we give out...the more of it comes back. Having reached this stage I do my best to live from my center rather than by the opinions of others which is focusing on what feels right, good and loving. After years of abuse and feeling unloved I now know that love isn’t supposed to hurt...and real love doesn’t.

In our personal and professional lives we continually see truly amazing changes occur when individuals let go of anger and resentment with friends, co-workers—family that make more loving choices. When love is chosen it is always comes back. The ‘what goes around comes around ‘law of reciprocity is an active principle that governs the cause and effect. When we observe each other it is clear that everyone is performing ‘live’ on the stage we call life. Returns for actions, thoughts and deeds may come in slowly and be less obvious at first…and often accelerate once awareness develops.

It eventually becomes easier to pick up on loving and unloving behaviors and choose accordingly. In closing I decided to include the following poem because it eloquently reminds us how important loving, unconditional giving is within our daily exchanges with others. Random acts of kindness improve the quality of life…and what makes love so important to all of us. So here it is a salute to all those everyday angels who are a blessing whenever they touch our lives…or we touch theirs.

WHAT DO ANGELS LOOK LIKE?

Like the little old lady who returned your wallet yesterday.

Like the taxi driver who told you thatyour eyes light up the world, when you smile.

Like the small child who showed youthe wonder in simple things.

Like the poor man who offeredto share his lunch with you.

Like the rich man who showed you it really is all possible, if only you believe.

Like the stranger who just happened to come along,

when you had lost your way.

Like the friend who touched your heart,

when you didn't think you had one left to touch.

Angels come in all sizes and shapes,

All ages and skin types.

Some with freckles,

some with dimples,some with wrinkles,

some without.

They come disguised as friends,

enemies,teachers, students, lovers and fools.

They don't take life too seriously,

They travel light.They leave no forwarding address,

They ask for nothing in return.

They wear sneakers with gossamer wings,

They get a deal on dry cleaning.

They are hard to find when your eyes are closed,

But

They are everywhere you look when you choose to see.

--Veronica M. Hay

WHO NEEDS THE FASHION POLICE?

By Coralie Raia Darsey-Malloy

Fashions…after all…are only induced epidemics.

--George Bernard Shaw

Watching the often brash, rude, arrogant and self-righteous attitudes of the fashion police I cannot help but wonder who appointed them to such an exalted position. They are so off-putting at times that it seems rather strange that otherwise intelligent, successful people fall prey to their judgmental comments about attire. Between fall and spring award shows start within the entertainment industry. Oh joy...that brings a whole bevy of obnoxious, opinionated zealots out of the woodwork. They deck themselves out with microphone in hand and stand upon the fashionably correct ‘red’ carpet. Then they wait like stalkers seeking their prey...until they can pounce upon actors/actresses weaving their way through the cheering masses.

It is endlessly fascinating to observe how the fashion police are often gushy and complimentary to their interviewee’s faces. Then...night becomes day...and the gushing from the night before changes. The ‘fashioneesta police’ morph into a shrieking wild person shouting their distain on as many talk shows as possible. With hands over their mouths they say; OMG…did you see what he/she was wearing…what WERE they thinking?” As if that isn’t bad enough…they proudly post their worst and best dressed lists in a harsh, judgmental tone. Good grief…when did we get to the point that what someone is wearing to an award show is a newsworthy item? Beats me.

Who the bleep cares what they think anyway? Whatever happened to having the confidence to figure things out for oneself about something as benign as clothing? And while I am ranting in my humble opinion some of the fashion attack squads don't represent polished perfection either. But then I don't pretend to be an expert on anything. Sooooo I can say what I think… and not worry about whether it is right or wrong because it is just my perspective…and you can take it or leave it.

GROWING UP—WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ANYWAY?

By Coralie Raia Darsey-Malloy

Passion keeps one fully present…
so that time becomes a series of mutually exclusive ‘nows.’

--Sue Halpern

From my understanding growing up means settling into some form of employment and eventually losing sight of all the things that were fun and frivolous as kids. That doesn't work for me. The older I get the clearer it becomes that fun, frivolity and spontaneity are not supposed to be abandoned when we 'grow up.' I could never envision myself staying at a job that I didn’t like. I guess I’ve never allowed myself to feel that desperate. In my view life is about learning through experience. It is pretty hard to learn new things if you do the same thing day in day out. At this point in life I prefer quality rather than quantity and although my experiences have shown that I can be happy with a lot less. Less frenetic activities, less spending, less spending of time, energy, money, resources…in general more simplified living. Period!

For years before coming to this epiphany I overextended myself in every area of life. Much of the time I was trying hard to live up to everyone’s expectations but my own, especially in the job market. After spending eight hours a day doing things that didn’t interest me for a number of years I quit. Did that make me irresponsible? In the eyes of some people…absolutely! They could not fathom how I could give up a secure position with benefits to pursue a more creative lifestyle. By that time their opinions did not matter because my decision had become more about the quality of life and personal satisfaction than job security. I was mentally prepared to downsize anything so that I could begin living a better life.

When David and I became life and business partners we continued our risk taking and even though we made a few not-too-great financial choices we had a grand ride while we were doing it. When all is said and done we learned a lot and I probably would do most of it all over again. The greatest benefit from the roller coaster rides of the past is how much I appreciate being in a more stable place today.

Making the decision to live life on your own terms as long as you’re willing to accept the consequences can re-frame the whole question of responsibility and growing up. When other people decide to down-size their lifestyle to pursue a different career path are they less mature--or just inventive? It seems that growing up involves settling into structure and routine and holding on to that security regardless of the toll it takes. Admittedly those patterns are necessary during different phases. Problems arise when the routine becomes so ingrained that spontaneity goes out the window.

Think about the number of young people who are ‘conditioned’ to meet societal and family expectations rather than being encouraged to be whom they are. Budding artists become doctors, lawyers, teachers or anything else that meets authority figure’s expectations. Not that there is anything wrong with that if that is what they want to do. The growing up part is only problematic when those dictates conflict with other innate desires.

As one matures imagination and intuition are sometimes frowned upon by teachers and care-givers. As individuals move through the system there is little encouragement for what a child believes exists within unseen realms. Fairies, gnomes, giants, invisible friends and allies are all dismissed as childhood fantasies that must be put aside by a certain age. Sadly that does not leave much room for an open exploration into the wealth of mystical teachings that have been around much longer than conventional thinking in modern society. In many cultures a belief in an energetic connection to the unseen is what defines their spirituality.

Yet even in the face of all the nay-sayers years research has finally created a return to the validity of the power of imagination and visualization. Lo and behold there is now greater acceptance that the mind and body cannot distinguish between physical events and visual enactments. The responses are the same. So why do adults limit their intuitive knowing as they grow up? My guess is somewhere along the line enough people dissuaded them and they bought into it. After all they are bigger and wiser—or are they?

Part of part of the fun of being a pre-schooler is that there are no solid time-frames about how and when you should do things--well except bed-time. Too bad we are not encouraged to maintain some of those youthful ways as we age. I felt so strongly about this that David and I developed a course for Creative Retirement Manitoba called ‘youthing versus ageing.’ The mature adults who participated clearly confirmed that one never truly ages if they continue to approach life in an atmosphere of exploration, intuition and imagination. The way I see it those ageless wonders have got it aced by refusing to allow others to tell them they are too old to be doing anything. The are too busy living their best life by staying fit, strong, and flexible in mind, spirit and body and living in the ‘now-ness’ of their experiences

After years of working with people at different stages of life I have seen how some have an ageless quality about them no matter how many times they've been around the sun. Then there are others--young ones who seem old and jaded before their time. Those glaring differences prompted me to navigate the landscape of my inner world and I finally made a decision not to ‘grow up.’ Not if it requires settling into stereotypical frameworks that dictate how to look, act and dress at any particular age. I intend to show respect for differences...but I am far enough along the path that I refuse to imprison by the opinions of others when they don’t work for me.

Maybe if enough people do it we’ll start a trend and if we do I bet we’ll start see happier, fulfilled people of all ages…and wouldn’t that be a pleasant change? . Doing things on the spur of the moment keeps things fresh. Life is too short to allow it to become routine and ordinary. David and I live by the credo…you are only young once but if you allow yourself---you can be a kid forever!

STUPID, IGNORANT, DON'T CARE OR.....ALL THE ABOVE?

By Coralie Raia Darsey-Malloy

A learned blockhead…is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.

--Benjamin Franklin

Some time ago my partner David and I watched a documentary about the increasing stupidity within society. Then more recently the movie Idiocracy came out and it is a relief to know that we are not the only ones who are concerned about how increasing numbers of people seem to be making some really stupid choices. Do you people are ignorant, unaware, don’t care…or are those who make stupid choices getting more air time? Everyday there are more glaring examples of people’s inability to consider the consequences of their behavior. The lack of foresight shows up in everyday life within the political area, entertainment industry and religious leaders and everyday people in everyday events. We cannot overlook the television shows that reveal the dumbest criminals…and CNN’s has Anderson Cooper’s on “What were they thinking?” It shows some stupid people doing some really stupid things. So the question remains…is the interest in stupid behaviors just a trend or is society really ‘dumbing down?”

Some of my other observations about whether people are stupid or don’t care shows up during crazy weather conditions. Too many drivers don’t adjust to road conditions and ‘wham’…another big 'oops' has a wipeout! Stupid, don’t care, distracted, overworked, stressed out…all of the above? Whatever it is they are up there with those who imbibe and drive. How stupid is that? Do they really think they can break all the rules without consequence? I guess so…especially with the outstanding role models constantly being showcased within the entertainment industry.

Here’s another one. My hubby was visiting a friend in the hospital. While walking down the hall he observed some nurses coming out of a seminar. As one in particular came out the door he heard her mucos-ladden coughing as it echoed down the halls. How stupid does anyone have to be not to realize that spewing her virus or bacterial infection throughout a facility of sick people is not a great idea?

Staying with that theme…then there are those who enthusiastically hug, kiss and hold hands in an intimate sharing moment. Then right afterward they cough, sneeze and pull out a soggy tissue and blow their noses. The final kicker is upon departure they grab a hand or give a final hug before and EVER SO LOVINGLY transfer whatever they had to the very person they claim to care about. Huh? What the heck is that about? If a person really cares they could simply say I’d love to share a hug—but I’m infected and I care too much about you to pass it on.” In my opinion that would be the smart thing to do.

In closing I am not going to claim that I have never made stupid choices or done seemingly stupid things…and there are no failures is you learn something. Maybe stupid is as stupid does when you know better and keep doing it anyway. How about sharing.. do you have any ‘stupid observations' that you'd like to share? Comments anyone?

RUDENESS, ROAD RAGE... GET OVER YOURSELF

By Coralie Raia Darsey-Malloy

Anger is one letter short
of danger.

--Dr. Robert Anthony

I cannot help but notice how rude, opinionated and intense many in society are becoming. What the heck is going on? Is life so out of control that people ‘lose it’ in the most mundane circumstances? It would appear so.

During the last few years I have observed people pushing, shoving, yelling …even trampling each other in an attempt to buy the newest computer game or the latest ‘must have’ toy for their kids. Come on folks what kind of a role model are they presenting for their children? Do they think it is acceptable behavior...or do they just not care? How about the people who give the finger to follow drivers as THEY they cut YOU off? Does any amount of rumbling, uncontrolled anger and emotional immaturity give them the right to take a baseball bat to another’s vehicle...all in the name of road rage?

I work in the field of personal development and here are a few suggestions that could assist 'road ragers' in calming down before they cause themselves and others some serious harm.
First off , time management begins with self management..so how about allowing more time before leaving the house? Put things you need to take by the door the night before so there won't be a mad scramble searching for things and turning up the volume on frustration before you get behind the wheel.

Try taking a few deep inhales and exhales...that is a simple, effective and known way of calming the mind and body. When you get in the car try listening to some melodic music or anger management tapes or CD's..even if you are running late. Working oneself up is not going to get anyone...anywhere any faster. So you may as well sit back and assess why lateness may be a recurring theme. While driving it could be useful to give some thought to how absolutely riduculous it is to allow road rage and rude behavior to dictate anyone's behavior. Rudeness, venting, raging, whining, blaming is hard enough to listen to and accept in an out of control child—but in grown, supposedly mature individuals? Well.....you get the picture.

Come on people...you may not be able to control WHAT happens...but we all can CHOOSE how to respond. How about choosing to to calm down, grow up, get some help and most importantly get over yourself! At least this is one persective...on how to develop a more healthy, balanced way of life. How about yours?